Our dishwasher died yesterday afternoon, right as I was in the middle of making Cinnamon Glazed Apple Cider Donut Cake.

It was a beautiful fall day and I couldn’t help but daydream about apple cider donuts. I wanted to pile everyone in the car and head down to the local cider mill instead of filling the sink with soapy water to scour the pots and pans from the previous night’s dinner while I waited for the dishwasher to finish its current load.

I don’t know who I was kidding: We couldn’t make a donut run anyway. EJ and I would have had to sip on hot apple cider and watch the three of you enjoy donuts while we sulked. Baking a cake-version at home seemed like an easy idea — until the dishwasher died.

When it happened, it wasn’t a surprise: We saw the signs it was dying for several weeks. I was mentally preparing for the day it would finally go kaput, but I didn’t imagine it would be on a day the sink would be overflowing with dishes leftover from dinner the previous night, plus messy batter bowls and cake pans. I spent the afternoon washing dishes by hand, thinking about how fitting it was that it finally slipped away in fall, because fall is when things die.

We don’t think about that very often, do we? Instead, when we think of fall, we think of the burnished trees that wave at us from our window. The striking color makes us catch our breath, and as we look, we linger, marveling over how glorious the firey leaves look. We cozy up in flannel shirts and traipse our way through the pumpkin patch, soaking in the sights and smells of autumn: nature’s last hurrah before winter weather snuffs out its glow.

Fall makes me think of loss, always, and this year the sting is a little bit stronger. There’s been a lot of loss in our community this year, and personally, we both lost grandmothers this year. Even though we knew those hard days would come didn’t make it any easier when they actually did.

I held Grandma Teague’s hand during the last weeks of her life. She couldn’t say much by then, and by the last time I sat with her, she whispered, “I’m sorry.”

I don’t know what she was sorry for exactly, but I know enough about my grandma that she didn’t like having folks fuss over her. She was small in stature, but fierce in spirit, and that woman served others until well after her body forced her to stop.

I squeezed her hand and smiled as tears slid quietly down my cheeks, telling her she had nothing to be sorry for, that it was ok to let herself really rest now. I reminded her of how when I was little, she would lay next to me and hold my hand while I fell asleep, reassuring me that I wasn’t alone. I was scared to be by myself in that dark room, but her hand reassured me I was safe. Now it was my turn to do the same for her.

I held her soft, now-gnarled hand, the one that raised kids and taught school and cooked meatballs and baked tea rings and folded laundry and gave the best hugs. The one I watched curl with age; the one I miss holding as we sit and chat about life and what my own kids are up to lately.

Oh, how I want to go visit her and bring her a slice of the Apple Cider Donut Cake I managed to make in the middle of yesterday’s mess and laugh with her about how the dishwasher went out right when I needed it most. “Isn’t that always the way?” she’d say. I would have laughed and agreed, then admit it ended up being a happy problem because Addie jumped in and dried clean dishes as I washed the dirty ones. She’s old enough to be a real help to me now, and I’ll always remember how even though those dishes took a whole lot longer to get cleaned up and put away than they would have if the dishwasher was working, Addie and I got to spend time together talking, just the two of us, and we talked about Grandma and how many dishes her hands washed over the years. I retold the story everyone knows by heart about how she and her sister sang while they scrubbed when they were young girls.

Addie and I didn’t sing as we scrubbed, but my heart was soothed knowing that even though things aren’t the way they “should” be (there’s death and disease, heartache and frustration), there’s a whole lot of good right here, right now. Someday these will be the days Addie tells her grandchildren about. Life keeps moving forward, come frustration, fear, disaster, and even death. The people left behind keep living, and that’s the way our loved ones would want it.

It wasn’t the same as going down to the cider mill and getting a fresh donut from the country store, but it was good just the same. We sliced it up and served it at our small group, and it was really, really good — exactly what I had been dreaming of. It was sweet, spicy and everything an apple cider donut should be.

We had dessert first last night, because it felt right. Grandma always said that was the proper way to eat it, so I’m sure she would have been proud of us. (I can almost hear her say, “Good girl.”)

Cinnamon Glazed Apple Cider Donut Bundt Cake

I based this recipe on my vegan, gluten free apple cider donut recipe, but adjusted it to make it work as a full-sized bundt cake. I panicked that it would fall apart, so I added an egg to this version, but I bet it would work beautifully with egg replacer (Bob’s Red Mill is still my favorite). You could even use regular all purpose flour instead of all purpose gluten free flour blend if you aren’t gluten free. But whatever you do, don’t skimp on the glaze. It takes the cake from good to great!

Wet Ingredients:

1 cup applesauce

3/4 cup spiced apple cider

1/2 cup neutral oil (use what you like best)

1/2 cup light brown sugar

1 egg

1 teaspoon apple cider vinegar

Dry Ingredients:

2 cups all purpose gluten free flour blend (such as Namaste)

2 teaspoons ground cinnamon

1 teaspoon ground ginger

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg

For the Glaze:

• 3/4 cup powdered sugar
• 2-3 Tablespoons original, unsweetened non-dairy milk (or regular milk)
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
• dash of salt

Method

1. Preheat the oven to 375°F. Grease and flour a bundt pan.
2. In a large mixing bowl, whisk together the wet ingredients.
3. Add the dry ingredients, then whisk until fully combined.
4. Pour batter into the prepared pan and bake for 30 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean. The cake should spring back when gently touched as well.
5. Let the cake cool down on a wire rack for about 15 minutes, then invert it, removing it from the pan. Let it cool completely.
6. Make the glaze: Whisk together glaze ingredients until smooth. Start with 2 tablespoons and add another tablesppon if the glaze seems too thick. Pour over cooled cake. The glaze will set as it sits.

Dear Joey,

Ready or not, here comes Halloween. Again.

Last year the kids looked so big and grown up that I couldn’t believe they actually wanted to trick or treat. Addie went out on her own with friends. So did Mia, for that matter. We trudged through the neighborhood with EJ and realized we’re heading into a new season of learning how to handle the scariest parts of Halloween — namely, letting kids grow up.

And now they are another year older, making plans and coming to terms with the fact that they don’t really like Halloween either. (Except for EJ. EJ still counts on it to replenish his annual candy stash. Someday he’ll grow out of that, right?) The one good thing about it this year is it’s not freaking me out like it used to. Remember when I wanted to just stay home and avoid the trick or treating hoopla altogether, watching Alfred Hitchcock movies and eating pumpkin chili? (Well, let’s be honest: I still want to do that.)

We’ve done the food allergy parent thing for more than 10 years now, and while I still don’t love Halloween, I’m not afraid of it like I was at the beginning of this food allergy adventure. I’m sharing about how we learned to handle Halloween with special medical needs over at the IG Living blog today. As a staff writer and editor for IG Living Magazine, I get to share stories from our life and lessons we’ve learned about living with special medical needs (food allergies in particular for us) with countless other families who live with similar circumstances.

Want to check it out? Here’s the link .

Here’s to a safe and happy Halloween!

Food isn’t the answer to everything, but chocolate helps. It always, always helps. When it comes to tackling an oral challenge, chocolate is my best defense. (Well ok, chocolate and lots of prayer.)

Oral challenges are scary. Anxious thoughts and all kinds of What if’s? dance our heads dizzy. In the nerve-wracking times when we face challenges head on, we need something familiar to help us cope. Bringing items along that boost our confidence and bring us comfort us is key. For our family, this includes giving God our worries, standing on His promises, bringing a fully-charged iPad, and eating this vegan, gluten free, top allergen free chocolate chip cookie dough.

While eggs aren’t on our off-limits list at home (because EJ grew out of that allergy several years ago), I make this cookie dough without them so the kids can eat it raw. Sure, I could make a single serving of it and call it a day, but why do that when I can bake up a batch of freshly baked cookies for later? (Lord knows after a stressful day at the doctor, chocolate chip cookies help me too.) I pray as I make the dough: that things would go well, that God would protect my kids’ bodies, minds and hearts, and that He would give me peace and confidence that all will be well, come what may.

These cookies aren’t magical, but they are a miracle in my book. Not only do they give my kids something positive to focus on (Hurray! We get to eat cookie dough!), but they are also free of the top 9 allergens (when you use soy free vegan buttery spread like I do). No egg replacers necessary. Crisp on the outside, soft and chewy on the inside–these cookies hold together like a dream.

When allergy life makes you feel like you’re falling apart, maybe these cookies will help you hold it together too.

It’s September 3 and 80 degrees outside, but pumpkin spice is taking over everything. Here we go again, right?

I rolled my eyes as I ordered myself a Pumpkin Spice Latte yesterday because I felt so trendy. I mean I rarely go to Starbucks, and almost never get coffee there. Ordering a fully caffeinated hot beverage felt totally wrong because, well–I was sweating, you guys–but I wanted one. It’s September and I was really, really tired and pumpkin + caffeine felt like the right choice despite the fact that you know, everyone’s doing it. I thanked the barista as she handed over my hot cup, all the while wondering how many other customers she quietly judged for ordering a steaming hot cup of coffee when it’s so hot outside still. I mean, they do make an iced version too.

I hate to sound negative. I adore fall, and I am a sucker for Pumpkin Spice Lattes. But it’s hard to enjoy sweater weather while I’m sweating.

But whether it feels true or not, fall is just around the corner. The wind told me so this when it blew a little cooler on our way out the door. And so, it felt fitting to take advantage of the Fall Kick Off Sale and stock up on Crio Bru while it is 25% off this weekend. You bet I ordered a bag of the Pumpkin Spice blend. Joey is a sucker for all things pumpkin too.

In the spirit of being prepared for the season, I headed to the kitchen to whip up a batch of Pumpkin Spice Creamer because 1) my bottle of scratch made vanilla creamer is empty, and 2) the back up bottle of Hazelnut flavored Nut Pods I had stashed in the cupboard just isn’t cutting it for me. (Fun fact: I hate hazelnut). I’ve been making my own coffee creamer for a few months now, ever since I threw a private pity party over the price of Nut Pods. I love the stuff, but it’s expensive, and I organized my grocery shopping trips around which Target carries the larger size so I could save a few cents by buying the bigger bottle.

It was a silly thing to stress about, so I decided to take matters into my own hands and just make my own version at home. It can’t be all that hard, right?

Right.

Turns out making a clean, allergy-friendly coffee creamer is no sweat at all. In fact, it takes just five minutes and only a few ingredients I always keep in my cupboard: unsweetened almond milk, full fat coconut milk, agave syrup, vanilla extract, and kosher salt. (PS–almonds a no no at your house? Swap it out for your favorite unsweetened dairy free milk.)

Adapting my original recipe to make it special for the season wasn’t any more difficult than making a plain vanilla version. Just reduce the amount of vanilla and add pumpkin puree, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg (but no clove, because another fun fact? I loathe clove.) and voila! Spicy pumpkin perfection in a cup. It might be 80 degrees outside again, but whatever. I plead seasonal insanity.

I may not ever buy Nut Pods again–pumpkin spice, hazelnut or otherwise–because my scratch made version is seriously no sweat. Easy, affordable, quick and clean–I’ve fallen for the flavors, and I hope you will too.

Mary’s words: Let it be.

Surrendered. Strong. What bravery she had when unexpected news forever changed plans and altered her schedule. Mary hadn’t planned on pregnancy. Not yet, at least. But there it was, a grace and a gift from the God who favored her.

She could have said no, but she chose to say yes. And her yes altered everything.

This season I’m remembering how unexpected that first Christmas was for Mary. Long awaited, but still surprising, and how those three words–Let it be–rejected her own ideas for her best life and accepted the gift of God’s plan.

I’m modeling my mind like hers this season: curious, questioning, but ready to give my best yes and receive what God has for me anyway so I can say “Let it be unto me as you say” too.

Today I have the opportunity to share thoughts on how to say yes to the things that matter most in this season on the Legacy Christian Church blog — check it out!

Here’s the link:

“Not Doing It All Over the Holidays.”

⁷ “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

⁹ “You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? ¹⁰ Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! ¹¹ So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.“

Matthew 7:7-11

Dear Joey,

Somehow summer is upon us and we are hemmed in by the same cardboard boxes we packed just a year ago. We unpacked, folded them up, and settled them in for a year long reprieve while we walked through a season of watching and waiting, expectant for God to move in big ways but not sure what those ways would look like.

The boxes multiplied while they were sitting there in the dark. We kept feeling like we didn’t have much to haul along with us until we flung open the door to the storage unit and panicked. Watching you load every last one of them and secure them for the long journey into an unknown future made me think of Abram, and how he packed up all he had and left his homeland to a place the Lord wrote on his heart. How hard it must have been to leave, and yet, how easy it must have been to go when God gave him the green light.

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